According to Bear

An excerpt from Obeardiah: the lore of how the sun came to be. To the tune of Master of Puppets:

Twas bird and bear as friend and equal
They burn the church, ignite the steeple
In all the world no terror found
As deep as when they'd raze the ground
In lasers, life, and winged flight
Mortal dif'rence came to light
The laser bear would never age
But birds doth pass like turning page
One battle last o'er darkened land
The bear doth fry our bird in hand
Soaring skyward, battle done
Ignited falcon is the sun


Nathan Jackson

Beta Bargain Bin

Hot from the wok! Extry extry! Extended fanfare!

Allow me to explain this present kerfluffle: all your hopes and dreams have come true. The Gombler Beta is here. Right now. Amongst us like a creepy ghost or Andy from accounting. Freaking Andy with his indie rock and League of Legends.

I feel as though the program is pretty easy to use, but hey, I created the thing. Look for Nate. I pretty much guarantee you a victory. To correlate my Starcraft 2 skill to a bear:

Ursus Thibetanus (giggle, Thibetanus)

We're getting a how-to video made this very day. It should be up this week on the site. So if you can't figure out how to use the program in the meantime, feel free to read the instructions more carefully.

Nathan Jackson

Feynman, a Fine Man

Before Richard Feynman was anybody of note, he was given the task to audit the progress of what would eventually become a uranium enrichment facility. It was the beginning of the Manhattan Project, and Feynman had no idea what he was doing. His first day into the audit, several high ranking military officers threw down technical drawings in front of him and, assuming, correctly, that Feynman was a genius, described in detail how this incredibly complex facility operated. Feynman was completely lost. He was a physicist, not an engineer. What were all these symbols? Are those boxes valves or windows? Suddenly, the army generals were finished speaking. "Do you have any questions or see anything we can improve on, Mr. Feynman?" 24 year old and incredibly handsome Feynman pretended to concentrate on a particular drawing. How could he find out if they were windows or valves without betraying his ignorance? So, he put his finger on one of the enigmatic boxes and announced "Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?"

And that's the story of how Sir Ricardo Suave Feynman, Esq. got laid every day of his life.

Hey what's on your sweater already? Oh, that's just mom's spaghetti.

"Feynman, a Fine Man" is an ongoing effort by the Gombler staff to compulsively obsess over Richard Feynman and his influence on contemporary lyrics.

Supple Depot

It has been brought to my attention that there is a supposed "typo" in one of our strategy segments. Let me be clear: I will not allow my team to take shortcuts when it comes to your, the reader's, experience at Gombler. It was suggested that we "simply fix" this typo. No. That is a shortcut. Surely an announcement containing a convoluted explanation as to why this is an acceptable quality level is the longer path of which many shorter paths may "cut" to a resolution. Furthermore, who are we to declare that these depots are not supple? Perhaps this was the author's intention and the fact that these supple depots provide supply is merely coincidental! If I were a zergling would I attack a depot made of a material so supple? Would I even know what supple actually means outside of a relatively socially acceptable compliment to a woman's bosom?

Henceforth and hitherto, all supple supply depots shall be interchangeably known as either descriptor, but not sans descriptor. That wouldn't do.

Nathan Jackson

In Which I, the Author, Speak of Matters Most Important

Be serious, dear reader, for just a moment. Let's sit down, you and I, and address that fear that has been lurking deep down in our souls for some time now: The new Blade Runner is going to suck. For your review:

Return of the Jedi - 1983
The Phantom Menace - 1999
Delta (years) - 16

The Last Crusade - 1989
Crystal Skull - 2008
Delta - 19

Superman IV - 1987
Superman Returns - 2006
Delta - 19

There are more examples, and George Lucas's name is probably attached to most of them, but the point is that long periods of time between a great movie and its sequel/prequel means that it is going to be terrible. I'm sorry it had to happen like this, but it needed to be said. Now we may move on to the more congenial topics.

To those individuals who play and follow the fantastical sports, be it fantasy baseball, football, or bull riding (it exists), you've perchance come across some statistic that you were unfamiliar with. Yes, such things as "sabermetrics" are definitely destroying or improving the beauty of our American pastimes! New statistical methods and analyses are growing more and more commonplace, probably. I can assure you that the Gombler team is well versed in all things statisticular and just plain ticular. We WILL be your guiding light through the fog of confusing numbers! Brad Pitt WILL look good in an Oakland A's uniform!

My new WAR++ metric factors in handsomeness

The large, well-lawyered company that created the real time strategy bonanza known as Starcraft, and its progeny Starcraft Jr. (SCJr) heralded the Junior vintage as the ultimate in online competitive gaming. A "sport" they called it. Well, all the cool sports and online competitors are getting in to the statistical analysis game while it's hot. Since the duty to lie to the general public has fallen unto me, I can assure you that Gombler will provide advanced statistics and trends from our vast database of user's games unless we don't. I envision a database that can tell the inquisitive mind what percentage of time the 7 Roach Push succeeds against diamond level opponents as well as delivering Taco Bell directly to your door. That is, the database will also deliver Taco Bell to your door. I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that the percentage of time the 7 Roach Push succeeds in getting Taco Bell to show up at your door is approaching 0, no matter how badly I wish it weren't true. Lagniappe graphic:

Nathan Jackson