Stalwarts of Gombler: Yukon Cornelius

Please, consider the following:

I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly for you tread on my dreams. - W.B. Yeats

This fog's as thick as peanut butter! - Yukon Cornelius

Thank you.

Let us transcend now into an appreciative countenance as we reflect on those people, places, things, and cryptids that are frequently brought up in conversation amongst the Gombler team and more or less waste everyone's not-so-precious time. This particular revolution about the earth's axis brings us the curious case of Cornelius comma Yukon. Cut to picture.

That's the fellow.

Born to a family of little means in the tiny town of Bissett, Canada, Yukon dropped out of school at a young age. He spent his teenage years working the clay part-time at a brickyard (an occupation he would later reflect on as "ironic") and running peppermint for the local crime lord known only as "The Candy Man". Unbeknownst to both Yukon and the Candy Man, they would become responsible for the town's hendiadys moniker of "Vigor and Verve", respectively.

Yukon soon discovered that those employed by the Candy Man, were owned by the Candy Man. Yukon's parents, Klondike and Saskatchewan, fell ill shortly after Yukon's 17th birthday.  As the medical bills piled up, Yukon had no choice but to accept the Candy Man's seemingly generous offer of financial help. Predictably, once his parents had recovered, the Candy Man kidnapped them both in the middle of the Canadian night (around 2:30 PM), leaving only a note scribbled on a Tootsie Roll wrapper demanding 2.5 million troy ounces of gold and 3.5 million troy ounces silver bullion in exchange for his parents' lives.

At his wit's end, the normally bombastic Yukon quietly left Bissett the next morning about two months later to begin a career in the booming field of acting. Taking the screen name "John Candy" on orders from his new master, Yukon soon became a star. Illustrate.

John "Yukon Cornelius" Candy

 

After 21 years of  sending his earnings to the Candy Man to pay for extensions on his parents' lives, Yukon realized that because he was paid in Canadian dollars, he would never be able to come up with enough money to buy the precious metals as an actor. The author opines that perhaps it took Yukon 21 years to figure this out because he dropped out of school at a young age. Thusly and righteously, Yukon proceeded to feign his own death by heart attack and, acting on a hot tip from an old prospector, turned to prospecting the deep north for the gold and silver he so desperately needed. Image, as an imperative.

That's the chap.

 

You know the rest of the story. We've all heard the heartwarming tale of Yukon Cornelius' adventures with his rowdy friends in the snowcapped mountains closest to the North Pole. It is this author and his associated company's position that a little bit of Yukon Cornelius lives in all of us. Every time a man puts off shaving his face out of laziness, somewhere Yukon Cornelius is smiling.

Nathan Jackson